DEAR AGNES

Dear Agnes, how are you? How is your new family? I could only hope things are shaping up.

Please, don’t be annoyed that I had to write you this late. You see, I couldn’t attend your wedding because of circumstances I couldn’t control. But I am glad you are now okay, I mean, now that you are married.

Nevertheless, I still wondered why you had to get married, after deciding to be single, just a few years back. Could it have been that your incessant church going and marathon night vigils were targeted at getting a soul mate? You said you will be single forever, you said single is happy.

Though, I knew you started that cliché out of frustration, one you will never admit. I knew you cried inside whenever you are alone, but shows your shining teeth to the world whenever you are outside. You almost ill-advised our other friend, Janet, remember? She almost destroyed her marriage when you told her it was wrong for her to submit to her husband. The word, ‘submit’, you gave a horrific meaning that Janet almost believed you. You drew instances from horrific occurrences and asked Janet to divorce before it was too late. I told you that that was unnecessary, the first few years of marriage are always the hardest; especially in a situation like Janet’s where they only courted for three months before rushing into marriage. I’m glad she didn’t listen; she now has had her third child, with a blissful marriage.

Dear Agnes,

my good friend, I hope you learnt some lessons? Especially, one that you will be able to pass on to your female children (assuming your womb has not become too weak to hold a baby just like our fourth friend, Binta, whose incessant miscarriages were due to her many abortions).

For a first, tell her that time waits for nobody: remember, those times when we were 17, we were eager to have boyfriends. It was fun, and I could still recollect the scent of James, that guy you always said had nothing to offer. You chose the best and flow with the rest. Like I said, it was fun.

Fast forward to when we were 23 while moving to the university, my mom advised us to focus on our education and choose our friends carefully. Of course, we did. You chose Binta, and I chose Janet.

Without choice, we all became friends. Binta, a lousy short devil, took you around the world, going to clubs and night parties while Janet and I stayed behind burning the candles. You rejected offers for relationships from your mates and followed those who will pay. You lived large, you and Binta. The memories of watching that JVC 72 inches LCD TV (the only one in the whole hostel), in your room, still lingers. You were the bomb! The only males who were our mates that you will ever roll with were the ones who had the cash to spare. They must be rich because you were rich, the one people call the Big Girls.

Suddenly, without announcement, we were 28 in ages, and while I was able to keep a relationship after four fails, Janet was able to get John, the one she met and married some few years after her service year. 

I could recollect your gist back then, you and Binta were posted to the same state for your youth service, and you said you lived the life. Both of you were the talk of the town.

By the time you wanted to settle down, your mates no longer wanted you, you looked too old. The younger ones only wanted your money. You were being dated and jilted. The old men only wanted to go between your legs. Of course, they were ready to splash the cash, but it seemed you guys were no more interested in the act. You wanted to be serious, but it appeared too late.

Then, without effort, I heard you didn’t miss a program in the church. That was surprising, and Binta was frequenting the mosque. She even wore a hijab! I thanked the Lord for your soul. But I knew it wasn’t for free, you must want something very bad, something that should have proven hard to achieve.

After some years, at 36 years of age, I learned that Binta got married to a guy of 23 years old! Ha, I couldn’t believe my ears. I learnt the guy was a serving corps member in the company that Binta was working, and they got real close.

Binta? I couldn’t believe my ears when she said ‘age is just a number, it doesn’t matter in love’. Binta said that? That was shocking and funny, because during our university days, a younger guy wouldn’t dare approach her. If he did, he must be ready to listen to the tale of his birth and how she could have attended his naming ceremony!

Hmmm, it is well. Age, which was always one of the main factors back then, suddenly refused to be a problem again! Chai!! There is God o! You guys know you can deceive everyone, but please, cut me a slack.

As for you, after hundreds of failed attempts, even in Church, you started advocating for ‘single is happy’. You started talking about feminism and you pride yourself an independent lady who needs no man.

I am so sorry, but I laughed when I heard that. I knew you already gave up. Why shouldn’t you, at 38, no one wanted to get serious, except the ones who wanted you to be a second wife, even worst, the fourth.

Dear Agnes, I know I sounded too harsh, but you must take my advice, now that you eventually managed to get married-

1.    In marriage, you must make it work. I’m not asking you to be a slave, but be a helper.

2.    There will be troubles at first, just like Janet’s, but be patient, things will fall in place.

3.    Endeavour to teach your daughters- become their trusted friend. Experience, they say it is the best teacher.

4.    Keep praying, keep thanking God. Many didn’t even have the chance.

5.    Do not treat your husband as if he did you a favour by marrying you. It is understandable that you may feel this way after many have considered you an expired good. I know that years of being lonely and dejected may leave a dent on your self-esteem, but you must not let go of your pride of being a woman. If you do this, you will always be at his mercy. This is not good for you. You are made for each other, so, act that way.

6.    Do not disrespect your husband. Give him his respect, explain your views, and you will always be his queen.

7.    If things are not working out, and they seem like they wouldn’t, separate or divorce. There is no shame in that.

And please, remember these words of fantasy: Life is beautiful in marriage; marriage is always the best that can happen to a man.

If you believe that stupid statement, then pigs also fly.

I HOPE TO SEE YOU SOMEDAY, DEAR AGNES!